It’s been almost three months since I wrote the this post announcing I was going to begin writing about a bunch of stuff. A bunch of specific stuff. Thankfully, I also said I had no idea when the first post would show up, because, again, it’s been three months. Almost.

It’s not that I haven’t been thinking about it because I have. I just want to be careful and only say what’s helpful. I don’t want to be rant-y or angry and I want it to be somewhat orderly (I may have to give that dream up). I don’t want it to seem pointless. I certainly don’t want to come across like I think I’m some kind of martyr or victim, because I’m not. I have a very blessed life.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t had difficulties – we all have. Many of you have stories that would make my life look like a field trip to the Ghiradelli factory on Free Chocolate Friday. (That would be really good, if you aren’t sure. There should be such a thing.)

So, then, why do I do this? Why do I write on this blog? Is it necessary? What’s the point? That’s what I’ve been asking myself. 

I think the answer is that I write because I’m a writer. That doesn’t mean I’ll ever have anything published, or even that anyone will take time to read it. It just means I am compelled to communicate through writing. Some of you are great at talking to people. I’m generally not, yet, I have a lot of words that need to be released. This is my way to do it. 

Having said that I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some hopes for it.

My hope is that many of you will relate to what I share. I hope some of you won’t feel so alone. Whenever I hear that someone else has shared my struggles, I feel better, especially in the ones I don’t feel free to speak openly about. We all have those things. I actually hope a lot of you will feel free to open up your own lives to others. 

Speaking to my Jesus-loving friends: your life story matters – it’s your testimony. One of my deepest hopes is that a few of you will find freedom to share it…all of it. Perhaps not on a blog, but maybe you could just move it into your toolbox, hold it in open hands, so that when someone needs to hear it, you’re willing to share it. What did He rescue you from? 

Those actually seem like lofty goals to me. I don’t consider myself to be an influencer, by any stretch. In fact, I have this lingering question every time I write anything on here: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Easy answer: Nobody. Really. I just do what I’m wired to do. 

I often think God put me here to make everybody else feel better about themselves, by comparison 😉 I say that mostly in jest, but it might be a little bit true. I’m just going to open up about some things, appropriately (Lord, please), and hope it helps somebody, somewhere.

If not, that’s okay. It’ll just be me being me – a writer – whether or not anybody’s reading. 

 

 

 

 

There’s a familiar expression that many of us have said to our children, or thought it, or maybe some authority figure said it to you. You’re at least familiar with it. It goes like this:

You’ve made your bed and now you’ve got to lie in it.

This is, of course, a way of saying that you got what you deserved and now you have to deal with it. Don’t whine, you did this to yourself.

There is a sense in which this is true. When we make bad decisions, do wrong things, consequences will follow. I’ve heard it said that you can pick your sin, but you can’t pick the consequences. I believe that is absolutely true and my children will hear me say so.

There are always consequences to sin, to breaking the law, to defying those in authority.

But, how long does one have to pay? When you’ve made your bed, how long do you have to lie in it?

Look at this story from John, Chapter 5:

Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed.

One man was there who had been an invalid for 38 years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?”  The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.”

Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.”  And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked….Afterward Jesus found him in the temple and said to him, “See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you.” 

Judging by the fact that Jesus told the man to go and sin no more, so that something worse would not happen to him, he was probably invalid for 38 years because of something he had done. He was lying on a bed of his own making.

Even so, Jesus approached him and offered to heal him. He didn’t have to lie in his bed any longer, if he didn’t want to, both literally and figuratively.

One of the things we can’t ignore about Jesus’ healing ministry is that when a person was healed it wasn’t only their bodies that were affected. Sickness was so stigmatized in that day, that shame was heaped upon anyone with an infirmity.

They were considered unclean, or sinful (and sometimes they were), and were outcasts. Some weren’t allowed to enter the city, some were required to yell, “Unclean! Unclean!” as they walked through the streets, lest someone accidentally touch them.

They were untouchable and therefore, they lived without human touch and in shame.

When Jesus touched the leper and healed him, I imagine his soul was healed, as well. Or, at least set on the road toward healing. The shame of his condition was lifted.

Shame-removal is implicit to Jesus’ healing ministry, as I see it.

Many of us are also living in shame over things we have done. Maybe we’re living with the consequences of sin, bad decisions, or even those of others. We might not have a disease, but there are many ways our lives can be affected by sin.

There have been situations in my life which left me in ongoing emotional pain, but that were caused, at least in part, by me. I began to see that I didn’t feel I could really ask for help or healing from God in those places because, essentially, it was my own fault.

It was just going to be my lot. Neither my pain nor the situation could be changed.

We are lying in the beds we have made and we feel we deserve it. But is that the right way to see it?

I believe that even when we have to suffer consequences for what we’ve done, when we have to go undergo discipline, God is still interested in the condition of our hearts.

I believe he cares for our pain, even when it’s our own fault. I believe He is interested in lifting shame from our hearts and minds.

Guilt is only any good so far as it steers us toward redemption. Beyond that, it’s a weight we cannot bear to carry. Shame is what happens when we don’t receive redemption and take on our sin and mistakes (or those that happen to us) as part of our identity.

Are you a liar or are a person who told a lie? Are you a failure or did you fail? Are you worthless or did someone reject you? Are you stupid or did you make a wrong choice?

I believe He wants to restore us, on the inside, no matter what is happening externally.

To the man sitting by the pool at Bethesda, he asked,

Do you want to be well?

Perhaps He might say to us,

How long do you want to lie in that bed you have made?

He is able to restore our hearts and lives as we allow Him the freedom to do so. It’s always a matter of humility and surrender.

The paralyzed man lay there for 38 YEARS.

How long will you lie in the bed you’ve made?

It’s a simple question:

Do you want to be well?

He still heals.

Caeley showed me this picture the other day and I died laughing.

I laughed because of a conversation I’d had recently with a friend. We were discussing the dreaded junior high and high school years (on into college, really).

I shared, jokingly, that I finally figured out that I was the proverbial homely girl others kept around because they automatically looked better next to me.

Now, I was kidding, mostly, because I don’t think anyone consciously did that; however, I never had the sense that I really fit or was liked. Or maybe I was liked, but was so awkward that nobody wanted to claim me publicly.

That sounds harsh to say, but I think it’s true. Every now and then I’d find out friends were talking about me behind my back, making fun of me or taking part in inside jokes about me.

That’s the cruel nature of the teen years: insecurity, and plenty to go around.

Honestly, I did my share of unkind things, too. This isn’t meant to be a pity party, though. Back to the picture.

I am that girl.

We are all that girl. Even the ones standing beside her with all the makeup, hair spray, bump•it (help us, Lord) and fake tan.

For most of us, it seems that no matter what, we feel like we don’t measure up to the standards. We’re too much of one thing and not enough of another.

But that is such a lie and it’s an empty pursuit.

You know what? I like that girl. She’s real, she’s smiling and she’s putting herself out there.

I’ll take a real person over the fake any day of the week. I’ll take inner beauty over the outer stuff every time. I don’t want to measure up to some crazy superficial standard, or do the work to get there, only to find out it was pointless.

[You’ve seen Toddlers & Tiaras haven’t you? The drama, the pain, the fake teeth, the money, the tears, the attitude. Uh-uh. No way.]

My new favorite quote is from J.R.R. Tolkein. Part of it says,

       All that is gold does not glitter.

Not everything of great value appears to be so. Especially by our standards. But that isn’t how God sees.

There is gold inside of us and in people all around us. We just can’t see it. It gets covered up, we get ourselves dirty, people throw stuff on us or we don’t let it show. Sometimes we’re just looking for the wrong things.

But as they say, God doesn’t make junk.

He created us in His image. It’s astonishing to think that when He made us in His image, what He made was human.

Yes, we are flawed, but we still bear His likeness. It’s just waiting to be revealed. I hope to be a person who isn’t afraid of my own humanity, my own “normal,” and who searches out the gold in others.

I don’t want to live with a mask and I don’t want you to, either.

If beauty, fashion and hair is your thing, do it. If it’s not, don’t stress over it. That isn’t the point. If you’re a mom of little kids and can’t even get out of your pajamas some days, we understand.

If you’re young and going through an awkward stage, please know you are going through. It doesn’t last forever. And please, let’s give grace and kindness to one another. We’re all on a journey.

And to the girl in the picture, who became a source of laughter, I’m sorry. I think you’re beautiful. Keep smiling.

Somehow I think I had a concept of faith and salvation that looked like this…well, actually I don’t think I believed it myself so much as I simply found myself trying unsuccessfully to live within this narrative of it:

The greatest commandment is this:
Once you’re saved prove to me every day that you’re saved by doing every thing I have told you to do, plus everything everybody else tells you I want you to do.

Oh, and don’t be defiant and go searching Scripture to see for yourself whether I actually want those things of you. Just listen and obey because that is how real faith behaves.

For me this became,
Be the perfect woman. Be the perfect wife and mother. Be the Proverbs 31 (as they interpret it) superwoman they say I want you to be. As a wife don’t ask too many questions or have strong opinions. Don’t be needy.

Keep everything clean. Have clean children at all times, cook good meals and be very organized. Don’t sit down and rest. Get up several times a night with the children for years on end without complaining that you’re tired (because this is your role as a woman, you ingrate).

You shouldn’t need help or training because don’t you know raising humans is supposed to be second nature to you as a woman? If your children have any behavior issues, it is 100% your fault, either directly or indirectly, due to your lack of spiritual health, maturity or general failings.

Do not neglect morning (must be in the morning) quiet times to launch your day. What’s that? You only got a couple of hours sleep? Too bad…work it out.

Oh, and speaking of work it out, you need to be exercising daily, and no, chasing the kids does not count. It has to be “official” exercise time. What? You don’t know how you’ll accomplish that with several tiny children? Well, again I say, work it out sister. If it was really important to you, you’d make a way.

All of this must be in order before we can begin loving anyone or doing anything outside of your own home. It all begins there. Don’t leave the home if it’s not all done.

If all of the above and more isn’t accomplished, basically all the time, we will need to revisit your salvation experience and begin at square one.

Do you believe in Jesus at all?

I’m out of breath just writing all that. I’m not sure where it all came from. I think it began early in life and it didn’t come from a single source. It was in both direct and subtle ways. But it came and settled over me like a dark, ominous cloud.

If you know me well you know these are the areas in which I have continually failed. I would wake up every morning to immediate thoughts of failure, remembering mostly my sins of omission – the things undone.

I think this is what I’m about to dive into in this space. I’ve got a lot of words about all of it. I used to be angry and resentful, but I feel like I can do it now without the anger I once had. I pray I can.

It will not be about blaming anyone or trying to fault find. That isn’t the point. We live in a broken world filled with broken people and systems. I’ve been hurt and I’ve hurt others.

I’m learning about grace. I’m living in it more and I become more free with each passing day, week and month. Arbitrary expectations are losing their hold as time passes.

I hope to share with kindness and I hope it’s helpful to the reader. I hope that if you relate, you find some solace in knowing you aren’t alone. I hope my words are pleasing to the Lord, most of all.

I don’t know what the first post will be, or when (I never know when inspiration will hit), but this is where I’m headed.

Sometimes I think the modern church (in America, anyway) wants the basic message of our faith to be something like this,

We’ve taken on a lot of the culture’s emphasis on being enough and being good enough, and made it our own.

I do think there’s value in much of it, because it’s an attempt to eliminate shame. I am all for eliminating shame, and attempting to use it to motivate people to change.

It’s largely a backlash against heavy-handed legalism, which needed, and still needs, some backlash.

I think the emphasis on being enough slightly misses the mark, though. It feels like we are protesting too much. Underneath all that talk are still lingering doubts and questions.

I hear someone tell me I’m enough and I say, “yeah,” then look to the right and look to the left to see if the coast is clear and whisper,

“Except most of the time I’m really not.”

It kind of feels like when I was pregnant, and unmarried, at 21 years old. I walked around like nothing was wrong, or odd, and was defiant (if only on the inside) when it was suggested this wasn’t exactly the way this was supposed to happen. I talked about it like it was no big deal. 

It was an attempt to make that be true and to cover over my insecurities. To make it okay. But, hello, I was a clueless, immature girl about to be totally responsible for another human being.

My response was miles away from what it should have been, given the gravity of the situation.

When I was growing up in the church I remember stories about heroes. I heard all the great things they did, how big their faith was and how much they loved God.

This was presented as something to aspire to. I had no understanding, however, of how messed up they all were. They were each as much sinner as hero.

The Bible is, from cover to cover, filled with stories about messed up people. You’d be hard pressed to find someone without rather large and heinous sin – both of commission and of omission.

There was murder, adultery, apathy, not standing up for the oppressed, lust, cheating, undisciplined kids, idolatry, wimpines and, fear, to name a few. And these were the people who loved God and were chosen as leaders.

I think we’ve missed the point. Or maybe we just don’t like the point: we’re all messed up. We often aren’t enough. We need rescuing.

But we’re loved.

That’s closer the point. The Bible isn’t just about people. It’s about God, who loves messed up people. Who uses messed up people. Who came here for us, messed up people, who just can’t be enough on our own.

“Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:17

We must understand that we are a people who have been saved, are being saved and will be saved. We are in this thing for the long haul.

We aren’t instantly changed and we shouldn’t expect to be, as far as our behavior and thinking. Instant change does happen in people sometimes, but it’s pretty rare. Mostly, it’s a process.

We work out our salvation, knowing we won’t always hit the mark. We also do this knowing that who we are today isn’t who we’ll be in ten years.

If I continue with Jesus, I’ll grow and mature. That’s just how it works.

That takes a lot of pressure off. I wish we could all be honest and bring our true selves to the table. That’s where healing is. I don’t want my friends to be perfect. I want them to be honest and let me be honest.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16

That’s when compassion thrives and healing comes.

For me, trying to believe I’m enough feels a lot like my 21 year old self trying to make everything okay. Or make everybody else think it is. I tried it.

The truth is that I’ve never felt more loved and accepted by God, or felt Jesus so near, as when I stopped trying to defend myself and just said, you know what? I have failed. I do fail, often. I wish I could be more and do more, but for now, this is who I am. I need forgiveness and I need help. And I’m deeply loved anyway.

That’s the message: I’m loved, regardless. And He’ll be enough when I’m not. He’ll forgive when I’m not. He’ll show me a way when I’m not.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

If you came to me with your failures I’d say something like, “So, you’re a mess. Me, too. Don’t give up on me and I won’t give up on you. Keep coming to the table, partake of Christ and continue being made new. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. You’re loved right now, today. Let me pray for you.”

For me it’s not about being enough. It’s about being Beloved.

 

That’s part of a Frederick Buechner gem. The full quote says:

“When you remember me, it means you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart.” – Frederick Buechner

I love that quote. Throughout today I have had several reminders of a sweet friend and the mark she made on my heart. I simultaneously felt a deep thankfulness for her life and the very real sadness of having lost her.

I can, indeed, see her face and hear her laugh.

I was challenged by our friendship in many ways, too, but I find that through all of it – the good, bad and ugly – I was left with deep grace-marks for which I am grateful.

For the Christian the call is to love your neighbor.

Fear drives us to ask, “Who is my neighbor?” – as if there’s an escape clause.

That is never the question. The question for the Christian is, “To whom will you be a neighbor? Who will you love?”

The ball is in our court.

Nobody said it was easy. It’s way easier said than done. Oh, how I have failed at this.

This is what I have to remind myself: the Jesus I know forgave all, loved all, risked all and laid down His life.

Those are big shoes to fill, but we can. The Spirit is our helper and our strength.

Over the last few years I’ve increasingly become concerned about the trend in which kids raised in Christian homes grow up, go away to college and lose their faith. This is probably because I have four kids, one of which will head off to college next year.

I believe that for American Christians, much of the reason for this is the way we treat and read biblical texts. It’s certainly not the only reason, but I think it plays a large role. For some kids that is the cause.

I am in no way questioning the validity of Scripture, nevertheless, what I’m about to say might concern some of you, and some will flat reject it. But at least give it some thought, prayer and study before you do so.

For those of us raised in the church, I wonder how much of our theology has never moved beyond what was formed at the feet of a Sunday school teacher with a flannel board.

You know, stories about Noah’s ark, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, Adam and Eve, creation, all brought to life through pieces of felt shaped like people and animals.

Don’t get me wrong. A lot of good is taught that way and some concepts are hard to teach to children, so we just do the best we can. Many a Sunday school teacher has been the hands and feet of Jesus to kids who may not otherwise experience Him.

But sometimes we have missed the point. Just take Noah’s Ark for example. We’ve turned something that would have been horrible to experience, into a cute nursery theme. Yes, we see covenant and promise in the Biblical account, but we also see terrible judgment. Now we’re left with cute animals going two by two.

Anyway…

The specific text I want to focus on as an example is the account of the beginning found in Genesis. My concern is that we only understand it in a one dimensional way, much like the flat felt characters we use to tell the story.

Here’s the thing: Genesis isn’t a science text. It isn’t meant to tell in a step by step literal way, how God made stuff. That’s not the point.

It’s a theological text which tells us that God created all things, that what He made was good, that sin entered by man’s choice and as a result we must contend with the fallen nature of a world that isn’t currently functioning according to its created function and blueprint.

I’m not a theologian so I might have just hacked it up in trying to summarize it. Others can go really deep and do it justice.

My main point is to say that to read Genesis and become dogmatic or arrogant about the timeline and methods of creation is to miss the forest for the trees and set our kids up for confusion and struggle.

Very often it appears that science opposes Scripture, so our kids arrive in high school or college classrooms with dogmatic views that science and philosophy teachers sometimes love to rip apart. I would suggest that it’s primarily our interpretation of Scripture (which is uniquely American) that is in opposition, not the actual substance of Scripture.

This need not be. I personally don’t believe in the evolutionary process, as it is commonly taught. I would have no problem believing God could create the earth in six days. However, I also don’t have to believe that all things were created in a literal six days. The bible is full of numerical symbolism. It’s full of symbols and metaphors, in general.

Take Jesus, for example. Most of His teaching was done through parables. Stories. Fictional characters, fictional scenarios, but they taught spiritual truth. Nobody had an issue with this, nobody took literally that there was a prodigal son, a father an a self-centered older brother. But the truth He taught was literal.

The ancients understood this. It’s our enlightened, western thinking that gets in our way.

The bottom line, for me, is that all things exist by, and are held together by, God.

Back to evolution – just look at the human body. There is no way this miracle evolved unguided from the outside. There are so many processes going on all the time, that it is impossible for me to believe it’s accidental.

I don’t subscribe to the notion that the universe is one big happy Bob Ross accident. It’s not mistake. It’s a happy universe!

But I also don’t hold fast to the idea that I know exactly what happened and when. That is beside the point. There is a good deal of arrogance among both the science community and avid six-day creationists alike.

I think we need to be comfortable with the mystery. I believe God is the creator and sustainer of life. No evolutionary thought or scientific discovery can shake that.

I believe we need to teach our kids how to think, as much as what to think. They need to see the big picture, so that they aren’t shaken by some angry professor and his beliefs about how the universe was formed.

Faith and science can cohabitate. There are many wonderful Christians who are also scientists. Modern science was born of Christianity and the desire to discover what God has made.

Oh, and regarding the Big Bang Theory. Stop arguing about that. Don’t you think if God spoke the universe into existence out of nothing, that would be a pretty big bang?

Just saying.

*Thoughts and opinions expressed on this blog do not necessarily reflect those of my family or friends 🙂

This day, October 27, has become (and might always be) a day of reflection for me. Most of you are aware that it was on this day that our friend, Summer, left us to go be in the presence of God forever.

Today I find myself thinking about all the things that have made me who I am  – specifically relating to relationships and the experiences we have together. I love what C.S. Lewis says:

We think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years’ difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another…the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting–any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can truly say to every group of Christian friends, “Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.” The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.

I believe everything is in the hands of God, when it comes to my life and I believe everything that happens serves His purposes. That’s not to say He causes everything to happen, but He’s certainly not standing at a distance, uninvolved.

He has given me a wonderful group of friends and a fantastic family. In both there have been many ups and downs.

Over the last few years I’ve felt as though everything I am and everything I knew was flipped upside down. It was as though my heart and mind were ransacked. Nothing was left unturned and untouched.

There were several events and circumstances that combined to form the perfect storm.

I was grieving. I didn’t know which end was up, as far as who I was or what I knew to be true. There were days I felt like I was going insane. Add to that the fact that we had moved away from family and friends. I felt very isolated in my mess.

The one constant, the oak that withstood the winds, is my belief that God is good and He is faithful. That’s what I held onto in each situation. I knew He was working and had not abandoned me.

I’ve felt joy in the midst of pain and felt hope in despair. I can see the way each circumstance, in each relationship, has chipped away at me in ways that, while painful at the time, have left me a little bit softer, a bit lighter, more joyful and more real.

Back to C.S. Lewis’ words about friendship – I am so thankful for the ones the “master of ceremonies” chose for me and for allowing me to walk through life with them, in both happiness and sadness. I wouldn’t trade any of it.

I have seen the goodness of God displayed through His people. I have seen His glory (which as Moses saw it, is His goodness) in acts of service and loyalty.

I have witnessed perseverance and faith. I’ve seen devotion and self-sacrifice. I’ve loved and been loved. I’ve held back and I’ve risked. I’ve shown up and then I haven’t.

I’ve seen unconditional love. I’ve seen, and been broken by, the humility of Christ.

It’s sometimes messy, sometimes hard, but I’ve seen the beauty and have been changed by it.

The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.