This is not intended to be a dissertation on the topic…just quick thoughts on a Thursday morning. There’s way more that could be said by people smarter and wiser than me. So take anything good and toss the rest 🙂

If you’ve read my blogs over the last year or two you have probably noticed that I’ve been having an identity crisis. I’ve been working through who I am, who God made me to be and what that means. In short, I’ve been trying to get okay with myself.

In doing so I’ve worried that I’m becoming too humanistic, too focused on myself and listening to counsel that may or may not be biblical. I’ve given this lots of thought and have talked to God about all of this. I never want to stray outside of what He calls good and I certainly don’t want to make any excuses for attitudes or behaviors that don’t rightly reflect who He is.

The conclusion I’ve arrived at is this: it matters whether or not our hearts are healthy and whether or not we can embrace who we are as God made us.

One reason it matters is that if we don’t we will never be able to fulfill not only our calling specifically, but the general call to all of us to love God and love others. This is God’s will for your life. Love Him, love your neighbor. That might look different in each life, but that’s the basic plan.

To be self-conscious is to be self-focused, self-ish and/or self-protecting. Having a broken heart/soul leads us into all sorts of sin. It’s the birthplace of addiction, arrogance, anger, judgment, etc. it causes us to think only of ourselves and how we are being treated, how we feel, how we appear to others and how a given situation affects us.

That is the very opposite of what the life of Christ in us would look like. The answers aren’t too complicated, though that doesn’t mean it’s easy to change. We have to be honest with ourselves and let our attitudes and behaviors serve as warning signals of deeper issues.

That perfectionism? Not okay.

That insecurity? Not okay.

Defense mechanisms? Nope.

Workaholic? Uh-uh.

Think you’re okay because you’re doing it better than the people around you? Uh-oh.

Self-hatred? Definitely not okay.

Does it mean you don’t know Jesus if you have any of the above issues or one of the many other possibilities? No way. It just means you’re still in the process of sanctification, so you’re basically in the same boat the rest of us are. You’re not alone. This boat is filled to overflow capacity.

Positive self-talk isn’t the only answer and having a cheering section is good, but it won’t totally rid you of your problem. The answer can only be found in knowing God. The more we know Him, His character and His heart, the more we can be confident in who we are. Because we were His idea and and He doesn’t make junk, or throwaways, or seconds to be sold at the thrift store.

So…

I do think there is value in examining where we are, what’s bugging us, what’s holding us back. What do you and I believe about ourselves and why? Do we need to forgive anybody? Are we holding grudges? Making judgments? Feel dirty? Afraid? What is it? We can ask Him to show us and He will.

Then we take it to Him and deal with it. Forgive, release, worship, receive mercy, see His heart toward you in your pain. Pray with a friend. Let someone else demonstrate His love toward you. Increase His value in your eyes. Stop looking in the mirror and look at Him. Find yourself in Him.

Many of us have deep scars, but rather than being defined by your pain or your past, let Him redefine you by mercy, so that when you look at your scars you see grace.

You are His grace-scarred beloved one.

Regret.

That’s a fun one, isn’t it? I think regret is one of the most destructive emotions and thought processes we can have. I’ve only recently realized to what degree I have lived with it.

The problem with regret is that it’s a dead-end street. It goes absolutely nowhere, because we can’t change the past, so if we choose to go down that road we’ll be stuck.

Also, regret forces us to ask “what if” questions and make “if only” statements. The truth is that we have no idea what if or if only…we have no idea what would have happened if we had done something differently. Things may or may not have been better (I’m talking in the realm of everyday life choices here, not huge life altering ones).

Personally, I have relationship regrets that I can’t repair or make right and it hurts my heart; however, I know that I can’t stay in that place. It is not God’s will that I stay there.

He gave Himself so that all things could be made new…the greater things, like all of creation, and the smaller things, like me and you. While I still have a long way to go, I’m not the same as I was a few years ago. I really have grown. It’s okay to acknowledge that.

It is imperative that we don’t define ourselves by mistakes, failures and shortcomings. We need to choose to walk in what He is doing in us today instead of whatever mess we made yesterday. Walk out of that mess.

Ultimately, regret leaves no room for the grace of God. It refuses it, actually. What a waste!

Grace covers everything. It really does.

Love covers a multitude of sins. It really does.

Let your regrets drive you into God’s grace and trust Him to make you new, to teach you to love better, to help you live life to the full, without regret, to conform you into the image of Christ.

Regret is a dead end street. If you’re there make a u-turn 🙂

“Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” (James 5:13-16 NIV)

This is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. For whatever reason, I have a real passion to see people understand the power that lies in the confession of sin. It’s probably because I’ve experienced it myself.

It is most important that we confess to God, that we repent, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough. It is enough, in reality, as far as forgiveness goes. When we repent (agree with God that we sinned and make the decision to turn away from it) we can know we have been forgiven. But there are times when we don’t just need forgiveness, we need our hearts to be healed.

If you are held captive by the past, if you have secrets that eat away at you, that keep you in fear of “being found out,” if you feel stuck in something today, find a trustworthy (this is key!!!!!) friend and open up.

You need someone to look you in the eyes, listen to your story, pray for you and love you still. We all struggle, we’ve all failed, we’ve all sinned. You need to know in a tangible way that you are not alone, you are accepted and you are loved.

Anything kept in the dark will retain it’s power over you. Confession is the way to turn on the lights. It can be difficult, but it’s simple. Do it.

As the events have unfolded in Iraq in recent weeks, I have been horrified with the rest of the non-radical world that’s looking on. Hearing news of Christian children being beheaded, women killed or kidnapped, fathers hung, and other religious minorities dying similar deaths, is both unnerving and deeply saddening.

I’ve almost felt numb and unable to pray. I think I’m afraid to let my mind go there because of the real possibility that we and our children may have to face that one day. I can’t help but to imagine myself in that situation and try to understand how it would feel. It’s hard to wrap the mind around such barbaric actions and frightening situations and, honestly, it can be a little crippling to do so for very long.

Initially, what I felt was something along the lines of pity, but now I can’t decide if I should I fall on my face and cry or if I should stand at attention to honor them. I think of these passages in Revelation and I could easily burst into tears of pride for the strength and devotion I see:

When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. They called out in a loud voice, “How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the inhabitants of the earth and avenge our blood?” Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the full number of their fellow servants, their brothers and sisters, were killed just as they had been. (Revelation 6:9-11)

They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. (Revelation 12:11)

They did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.

Wow.

This is what we see happening in Iraq today. I still feel horrified by it all and I do still feel sorrow for their suffering, but right now I am just really proud and in awe of my Arab brothers and sisters in Christ.

Go rest a little while longer, overcoming ones. Your light shines on.

Have you ever wondered what makes people act the way they do? Have you ever wondered what makes you act the way you do? Why do you freak out over silly things? Why do you get defensive? Why do you hide?

People do some crazy stuff and think some really irrational thoughts, don’t they? Don’t we?

We really are products of a lifetime of input, for better or for worse, and how we have responded to that input. That input programs us to think and do certain things. It may be tempting to blow off things that happened long ago because they seem silly, but if they cause us to think wrong thoughts and react inappropriately in our lives, we have to address them today.

For instance, I’ve gone through most of life assuming that people either don’t or won’t like me. If they’re spending time with me, it’s either because they have to or are just trying to be nice. It’s not really a conscious thought. It’s more of just my mode of operation. And it’s sick.

I’ve actually grown a lot in this area, but every now and then I find myself falling back into it if I’m feeling weak for some reason. One of the things that has helped is recognizing where it came from.

Lots of things added up to make me think that way, but in particular I remember something from 9th grade. The hellacious junior high years. Ugh. My teacher used to let students grade papers and one day I got a paper back and written across the top, in green ink, was the word, “tagalong.” I can still see it…fighting tears, fighting humiliation, wondering who wrote it. I think I know.

It said I didn’t belong, didn’t really fit and wasn’t wanted. I was just tagging along. To go along with that, someone came to me the same year (I think) and said, “You know that so-and-so could be really popular if she wasn’t friends with you. You’re holding her back.”

Well, thanks for that, have a lovely day. You can crawl back under your bridge now, troll. Kidding. I actually said nothing.

If I had been a stronger person, or more grounded in who I was, more aware that God had me made me His masterpiece, I might have let it roll off. But I didn’t. I internalized it and responded by backing down, yielding to those words (among others) and accepting them.

Now, they probably were actually true, in the deadly atmosphere of junior high politics. However, it didn’t say anything about me at all, but about the condition of their hearts. I just didn’t know that at the time. I do now. I feel for people having to go through those years in the social media era, where people are free to bully and humiliate in a public forum.

One of the essential things we must do is introduce truth into the places we’ve believed lies or had the wrong perspective. We need to ask God to show us what He sees, what is the right way to view ourselves and what is the right way to respond.

Some of us believe lies because of what others have said or done. We were innocent bystanders and got dumped on by another broken person.

Some of us believe lies because of our own failures. We don’t understand that He makes all things new when He takes over our lives. Anything is possible with Him.

Some of us are perfectionists. We either don’t try anything at all unless we know we can succeed or we do everything, and do it perfectly, checking off our lists, to prove we are worthy of the air we breathe. Both are fear-based and both are deadly to the soul.

Lies must be kicked to the curb. Easier said than done, I know. A good starting point is just to simply ask God to show us where our thinking is off and then ask what truth we can use to replace the lie when it surfaces.

For instance, I might just remind myself that I am God’s masterpiece, created to do good works, which He planned in advance for me to do. You might remind yourself that His power is perfected in our weakness. When we can’t, He can.

Our minds have to be renewed and our hurt places brought forward into truth, into reality. It took a lifetime to make you who you are and more often than not it takes time to undo the mess. Be patient and don’t give up. You might be shocked to find out who you really are, who He made you to be, what He put inside of you. He doesn’t make junk, you know.

Take off the labels given by mean girls, by overwhelmed parents, by frustrated teachers, by insecure kids: loser, tagalong, waste of space, failure, ugly. Lies. Take them off and set them on fire if you like. I did.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:12-14 NIV)

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1, 2 NIV)

Paul likes a good race analogy, does he not? That’s because it works, it preaches. Whether we are runners or not, we understand it. Barring any physical disability, we’ve run before.

One thing I know about running is that the fastest way to get tripped up is to look somewhere other than where I’m going. If I am distracted by what’s on either side of me, I’ll trip, and most assuredly if I try to look behind me, I’ll be eating pavement. Or rather, it will be eating me.

I find it so easy to get distracted by the world around me – the successes of others, the failures of others, the chaos in the world, material things. It’s easy to take the focus off of my personal race, the one laid out for me, and look at yours. I can spot a flaw like it’s my job. Most of us probably can.

But there’s that really pesky thing Jesus said about planks and specks. I’m running my race with a log in my eye and I’m trying to help you remove a splinter. I don’t think it’s that my sin is worse than yours, or vice versa, I think it’s that the responsibility for my own is greater. In other words I have log-size responsibility for myself and splinter size for yours. There is a time to call one another to a higher standard, but not if we aren’t first cooperating with the Holy Spirit in our own lives and responding to His call to a higher standard.

I also can’t compare my success with your success. I am to rejoice with you, encourage you, maybe even learn from you, but never to envy you. You’re running your race and I’m running mine. They will naturally look different and that’s okay. As a wise woman once said, “Stay in your lane, girl!”

The other thing that I find distracts me from my race is what’s behind me. I look back and see things I wish I could change, times I wish I could have a do-over. I also see really sweet times and wish I could go back to those places and stop the clock. My heart longs to rewind a few years and be able to stay there. While I can maintain relationships with friends, I can never really go back. That’s not how life works.

I am called to go forward, no, run forward, and embrace whatever is waiting there. I can’t be what I’m called to be if I’m stuck in a time that’s long gone.

We have to learn to seek forgiveness where we’ve hurt others, extend forgiveness where we’ve been hurt, give thanks for sweet seasons of life and move forward.

Looking back robs us of both today and tomorrow. Looking to the side distracts us from our own race.

The only place to focus our attention is straight ahead. We look to the finish line, which is really amazing.

Otherwise, we eat pavement.

I’ve had a bit of writer’s block lately, I think. I’ve got things on my mind and in my heart to say, but for some reason they just aren’t ready to come out on paper (or blog) yet. For now I thought I’d give you a little explanation for the title of this blog. It’s a little rough, but then again so am I. I’m not polished so neither is this.

Several months ago the word, “joy,” began coming up constantly. It was everywhere and I knew it was significant for me in this season of life. Then one day I saw the word brazen used in an really interesting context. It’s usually such a negative word, but I think it was Ann Voskamp that used a phrase like “we gave our brazen thanks,” to describe thanks being given in a situation where thankfulness might usually be scarce. It leapt out at me and immediately the words brazen and joy came together in my mind.

I held onto it for awhile, not sure what to do with it, but when I decided to start a new blog I felt like it was to be my blog title. It makes me a little nervous to put it out there, to own it, because honestly, I don’t have brazen joy right now. It feels a little dishonest, but if you know me, you know I don’t really do fake. I readily admit I’m not there yet. I think this blog is more about a journey than a destination. There certainly aren’t any “How to Have Outrageous Brazen Joy,” posts in the works. But I’m taking this step of faith and here’s why:

Brazen is probably not the adjective most women really want attached to their names. Normally. When I picture what a brazen woman looks like, I think of a loud, foul-mouthed, stubborn, say-what’s-on-her-mind kind of woman, giving the finger to anyone who gets in her way.

And, I hate to say it, but I kind of was that way at one time. Certainly not all the time, but I had my moments. My mouth was much bigger than my body could back up, and it nearly got me into trouble several times in college. I’ve been cornered and threatened in a bathroom, charged at in a bar and stalked across campus by members of the womens basketball team, among other things. It’s a miracle I was never injured.

Fast forward nearly 20 years and I feel that God is calling me to be a brazen woman of a different kind, to channel my stubbornness, so to speak. 

You see, stubborn isn’t a bad quality as long as it’s employed against the right thing. In the church world we don’t like the word, “stubborn.” But what else is it to stand firm? To not give up? To persevere? It’s a spirit-driven stubbornness.

For much of my life I have lived with feelings of depression, despair and just generally feeling less than. Occasionally I had suicidal thoughts. I’m not certain where it came from, what caused it, but it has robbed a lot of life from me and from my family. And it’s time to turn the page on that chapter of my life.

Depression and despair are not my lot, they are not my destiny. Joy is my lot and my inheritance in Christ. Not just joy, but a brazen kind of joy – the kind that makes no earthly sense, that says no matter what the circumstances are, regardless of what anybody thinks about me, whatever I think about myself, no matter what the enemy of my soul whispers in my ear, I will have joy.

Joy that is sometimes quiet, but sometimes loud, is full of laughter, that smiles, is thankful, is not afraid to say it and share it. Joy that is contagious. Joy that gives me strength.

The kind of joy that embraces life and sees the goodness of God in each day, because He is always good.

And if you’ll forgive me this, it’s the kind of joy that essentially gives the finger to the despair that attempts to weave it’s way in and out of my life.

It’s brazenness redeemed for His glory.

It’s brazen joy.

This is Christopher being brave in the pool. He’s just building up the nerve to move out beyond the kiddie pool. He’s brave because I have a firm grasp on his hand and he has mine. It reminds me of Joshua 1, where God tells Joshua,

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

That word, “courageous,” also means “to hold on.”

Joshua, do not let go. Hold on to me. Do not be afraid. Don’t even be dismayed. Don’t stress. I’m with you. I’ve got you.

His word to us is the same.