Sometimes I look at my children in amazement, and it probably isn’t for the reasons you might think. At times it’s inappropriate, or even rude, but they feel total freedom to ask for what they want or need. Our oldest has learned to be tactful and respectful, but she still seems to have no problem expressing needs and wants.

It blows my mind and it’s kind of sad. Somewhere along the way I lost the ability to be honest about what I want. It doesn’t matter how small or big the request or need is, the idea of asking for things creates major anxiety in me.

I began to realize a few years ago that I was rarely thinking my own thoughts or making my own decisions. It was, “what would so-and-so do? How would he like this done? How can I do this right? How can I not screw up?” I felt like I had disappeared as my own person. As you might imagine it’s quite paralyzing to live that way.

I feel responsible for other people’s feelings, emotional states and happiness. When I’m in a place where something goes wrong, or things are awkward, I will feel a sense of responsibility, even if I have nothing to do with the problem. Somehow, some way, it must be my fault.

I was at a school program once and some of the kids sang a song that might be considered inappropriate by stricter Christian families. I didn’t know the kids, didn’t have anything to do with planning the program and was fine with song myself, but yet I felt a sense of anxiety or embarassment, on behalf of others. It’s so sick.

You can’t imagine the noise I have lived with in my mind at times in my life. Or maybe you can. I think this is far more common than we know, because nobody wants to talk about feeling this way…because you’re not supposed to have feelings. I think a lot of us think it’s normal.

Well it is absolutely not normal or healthy and I am fully aware of it. My eyes have been opened. Jesus said it is for freedom that he sets us free. In other words, He doesn’t set us free so we can be free one day, when we die and enter His presence (I’ve actually had that thought – maybe I just have to endure til it’s over). He sets us free so we can actually be free, right now.

I am not free to live and love like He would if I’m anxious, fearful or insecure. I can’t be who I was made to be and love the ones He sends me to love.

One of my fears is that if I really become free it’s going to rock the boat. What will it look like when I’m asking for what I want and need, speaking my mind (respectfully, of course), being fully myself, saying no? I have a feeling that I’m not such a quiet or mousy person, down deep. {cue Katy Perry singing Roar, for added drama}.

But seriously, it really might rock the boat. Changing the status quo usually does. But I know Somebody who only has to speak the word and the rough waters will be still. I trust Him to lead the way and help keep me humble.

I don’t know how I got into this place, but I’m busting out of this prison. Maybe I should paint my face blue and white and yell,

We spend the first part of our lives as parents protecting our kids from danger. It’s our whole job…make sure they don’t starve, do float in the pool, don’t put their hands on hot stoves, do look both ways before crossing the street and don’t run with scissors. The mantra is BE CAREFUL!

Then we reach a point at which we have to begin to let go. We have to let them experience a little danger, take risks – and it freaks me out! Not even going to lie.

It’s part of growing up. Even more than that it’s part of the Christian life. Contrary to what many believe or what our motherly instincts scream at us, our kids weren’t born to just stay safe, forever.

In order to follow Jesus, pursue their callings, to fulfill the gospel, risk might be involved, especially in the world we live in. It can be a pretty unfriendly place for followers of Christ. It can be pretty unfriendly for girls. It can be pretty unfriendly for everybody.

As parents we get to entrust them to God, who created them, gifted them and called them. We care for them for a time and then release them back to Him and trust that they can hear and follow Him, too.

Our current exercise in faith has Caeley staying in Mexico for 6 weeks. It’s a city that’s been associated with the word ISIS (whether it’s true or not, I don’t know) and where drug and human trafficking is prevalent. She is staying at a children’s home inside a compound but it’s a place I’ve never been and can’t be there to warn of impending danger. I can’t remind her to BE CAREFUL! (Well, I can by text, but it’s not the same.)

Allowing her to stay an extra month was a little hard, but then late last night I got a text letting me know she wanted to go to a block party downtown this evening, given by YWAM for men and women who are actively involved in prostitution. When you’re contemplating this at 1am all the worst case scenarios play out in the mind and all kinds of questions arise. Well, mostly just one.

You’re leaving the compound?

That’s not what we agreed to.
Where there are prostitutes there are pimps. Where are they while all this is going on?

You’re leaving the compound?

Wait, what?
This could be dangerous.
You say you’re going downtown?

Off the compound?

Whaaaaaaat?

Normally I’d say it’s an amazing ministry opportunity and I would support such outreaches. I’d even like to go sometime. But do I believe it’s important enough to send my own daughter out of her “safe” home into their world to reach them?

That’s the real test. How much do I believe these women and men matter? How valuable are they to God? How much do I trust God? Is the gospel worth the risk?

Caeley says yes. My girl has an adventurous spirit and heart that wants to see justice done; to see the forgotten be remembered; to let them know they are loved, valuable, beautiful, seen.

She is brave. So I will be brave. How could we say no to her desire to love? I am so proud of her and the woman she is becoming. She has a fierce, compassionate and loyal heart and is a pursuer of truth.

I love what God is doing in her and the way she is responding. It might not be easy for her to come face to face with the reality these men and women live with – to see it up close and personal. The pain, the hardened hearts, the hopelessness, the emptiness.

I pray grace is multiplied to her and through her and for mercy to flow. I pray for her to see and sense Jesus among them, because He is with the outcast. Remember, He said what we do for them, we do for Him.

I pray for her to feel His heart for them. I pray this trip sets her trajectory to fight for the underdog, the oppressed and the unloved.

And yes, Lord, yes. I pray for safety. Protect her. Surround her. Send someone to minister to her heart. Give her wisdom beyond her years.

And, Lord, remind that child to text me as soon as she gets home. Because I will be waiting, praying and practicing the art of letting go.

I thought I’d bring an encouraging word this Mother’s Day weekend (though it isn’t just for moms):

You actually might not be enough.

Feeling better yet? Stay with me…

The current buzzword, especially as it relates to women, is enough. “Am I enough?” is the big question. And generally the big emphatic answer we are given is, “Yes! You are enough!” The end.

There was a point that I jumped right onto this bandwagon and wanted to climb to the top of the tallest thing I could find, thrust my invisible sword in the air and scream, “I am enough so get off my back!!!” Usually I am the one who needs to get off my own back, but not always.

One day, however, I was thinking about this idea that I am enough and I had this moment of revelation: You know what? Sometimes, I’m actually not enough. I mean, sometimes I really don’t show up or choose the best or I lose my patience or forget laundry exists for a week or that there’s a field trip or lots of other things every.single.day.

I’m not nice to my husband sometimes, I fail my children, miss opportunities to show mercy, respond in my “firm voice,” don’t force them to eat their vegetables, let them watch too much Spongebob, don’t read to them enough, and a myriad of other things that culture considers failure.

Side note: this isn’t a shame post…shame is not a motivator for long-term change. It also sucks all the joy and life out of us. So my saying all this isn’t an endorsement to swing the other way and wallow in guilt. Hear me out for a minute.

There are reminders everywhere of my not-enoughness. Yes, I made that word up. It’s what I do. Because sometimes I’m too much. See, that’s the other problem. We are not enough AND too much, simultaneously. #womanproblems

But, I digress.

I actually am not enough. For me the issue is being okay with that. As a Christian I know this to be true. The fact that I am not whatever enough is exactly why I rely on Jesus. He is my sufficiency. It’s why I need the Holy Spirit to guide and direct and teach and comfort – and He does all of those things.

It’s why I wrote this post and this one, about weakness. I am not ashamed to be less than people think I “ought,” to be, and I’m not ashamed to need saving. Believe me, I have been practically baptized in shame before and I’ve had to wrestle, believe and pray my way out of it. We all do, I think.

I have come to the place that {on my good days} I actually see weakness and not-enoughness as a gift. It pushes me to know Him more and in knowing Him more I can see myself more clearly. I am delighted in, right now, right this minute, even though my kitchen looks like a bomb went off and there are still boxes of miscellaneous stuff to sort out and I lost patience with one of the kids last night. Yes, those things need to be addressed, but they don’t define me.

My not-enoughness (I’m going to use this word as much as possible because it doesn’t exist and I’ll probably never get to use it again) also pushes me to seek out friendship and relationship with others. It’s a community builder. You are really great at things I struggle with, so if I am wise I’ll ask you lots of questions and learn from you.

Community is one of the greatest gifts we have on this earth. Friends are essential. And living in shame over not being enough is a waste of time. It’s a killer. We need each other, ladies. We can’t live life alone.

Listen, I am the mess of messes. Know that up front. But I’m fun 🙂 And I always strive to listen without judgment because I have experienced the freedom of being known and loved, even in my darkest place.

Let people know you and find those people that are trustworthy enough to hear your secrets. Not being enough is not the problem. Shame is the problem. Come out of hiding and bring yourself, as you are, out into the light. It will change your life.

Shame-free not-enoughness. It’s a gift. It’s okay. I wear it like a badge of honor. I know that sounds so weird and so heretical, as far as our culture is concerned, but it’s what I have to offer this Mother’s Day weekend.

You don’t have to be enough. And it’s so freeing to say it out loud.

Just a quick thought…

I wonder whether we will one day find, when the substance of our lives is boiled down, that those things we hoped for, longed for, settled for and wished we had, were but dross compared to what He had planned.

The things that matter most are the things that go with us when we depart this physical life – let’s not settle for material substitutes for glory. Believe for more. Believe that His “more,” really is more.

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. C.S. Lewis

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21

Do y’all still have dreams about being in school? I do. Sometimes I forget my homework, sometimes I am half dressed and sometimes I have forgotten to show up for months.

Generally they are about being unprepared.

Last night I had a dream that I was back in school with a class of adults. The teacher chose leaders who then picked teams to do a group project.

Nobody picked me. My friend didn’t even pick me. I was hurt and a little angry. By the end I was the only one left and couldn’t figure out which team was short one person, so I didn’t end up on anybody’s team.

NOT CHOSEN.

That has been the tagline of my life (as far as my belief system goes, anyway). It’s also the area that God has been speaking into in various ways. It comes in times when I’m alone and listening and it comes through others in really fun ways, without them even realizing.

He says, “Do you notice that I choose you? Did you see what I just did there? Did you notice me noticing you? Don’t miss it. I choose you. You are chosen.”

I want to plaster it everywhere so I can be reminded. It makes no difference whether people choose me, like me or think I’m valuable. It doesn’t mean it’s not painful, but this life is so short; it’s temporary.

I am chosen and loved by the Creator of the universe and He has good things for me.

I am not chosen.

Lord , you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16:5-6, 11 NIV

Today I made a conscious decision to accomplish basically nothing. I’d say I was pretty successful.

Riley and I made a run to Walmart

I relaxed on the porch and watched the kids ride bikes

I made fun of a neanderthal/sasquatch family #sorryaboutthat

I sat under a shower of pink flower petals

I painted my nails a delightful shade of blue

I did a lot of this

I took selfies with Riley

Corban and I played with Dubsmash
(apparently WordPress doesn’t like video, so here’s a super cute still)

I ate a Peep. Just one. But it’s apparent that someone else has been here, too. #whaticanthearyou

I listened to a lot of Josh Garrels

Essentially, I gave myself the day off. I know, I know. I just went away for the weekend. I’m over being legalistic and keeping score of things like that.

I’ve been overwhelmed with the to-do list and with processing things in my heart, so I TOOK A STINKIN’ DAY OFF.

Ahhhhhhh.

I breathed. I stilled my mind. I spent time in God’s presence. I enjoyed the kids, who didn’t have school today.

Why do I bother you with this information? I don’t know. Because maybe you need permission to take a day off. It’s hard to accomplish nothing on purpose. Do it anyway.

Guess what?! All the stuff I didn’t do is still there, waiting for tomorrow. I didn’t have anything pressing (I hope!). The world didn’t stop spinning.

And now I’m off to make an easy supper and watch Big Hero 6 with the kids.

I am satisfied with my care 😉