Author: Ashley

Missing the View

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I am missing this view this morning. The sunrises in Colorado were absolutely breathtaking – the colors so vibrant and alive and constantly in motion. If you blink you might miss something.

I’m also really missing this view

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These women were my roomies this weekend and each is amazing in her own way.

Cheryl is the one on the far right. She is so smiley and easy to talk to. Someone approached her yesterday just to tell her what a beautiful smile she has…and they were right. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with her, but I sensed how precious she is to her Heavenly Father. I hope she knows it, too.

To her left is Kelli. I heart Kelli. And, guess what – she lives and works right down the road from me…that’s a win!! Kelli is beautiful and creative and it’s apparent that she loves both Jesus and people well. She has an adventurous spirit, creativity and boldness that will be powerful tools in the hands of God. Also, as a side note, she makes films and will probably be the one that gives me my big break into the business. Haha 🙂 Kidding. Except not really. Kelli, His eye is on you and His plans are good and perfect. I can’t wait to see what you do together.

Penny isn’t pictured because the one I got that included her was blurry 😦 (Penny, if somebody will send me a good one *cough*cough* I will update so my friends can see your beautiful face). She is the sweetest thing (but I can see some fiesty underneath) and, bonus, she is from The South! I was so happy to find out that she lives within about a mile of our new house. How crazy is that?? They’ve only been in town for about 6 weeks. I’m amazed at the perfect timing of this trip and the people God placed around me. Penny clearly has a childlike faith and loves God shamelessly. I can’t wait to get to know her better. I think she can teach me a few things 🙂

I was fairly attached at the hip with these two the whole weekend

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Sorry for the blur. I was probably laughing when I took this.

The one on the left is Barb. I just love Barb. She has such a calming and peaceful way about her, and there’s a lot of wisdom packed in there, too. I’m also really proud of her. She is on a new adventure with Jesus right now, rediscovering who she is to Him, who He made her to be and what loves He has given her. She’s got the soul of an artist and sees the beauty of God in creation and in the faces of children. Barb is a brave woman, though I don’t think she knows it yet. She will.

And finally, the one there on the right – that is Judi. Those of you readers who’ve known me a long time know my struggles in the area of friendship. Throughout my life friends just haven’t come easily for me, so I was amazed at how quickly I felt a connection with her. Judi is also a strong, brave woman. Her testimony is amazing and she carries light and hope that the world needs. That I need. She’s been through some hard stuff and is a walking testimony to the goodness and mercy of God. She is a restorer of souls, a rescuer, and a fierce advocate for all of her children – the ones she birthed and the ones she has ransomed. I’m so thankful for her and am officially attached at the heart.

These women are so different from one another, but each is so beautiful in her own way. They impacted my heart, inflamed my love for the Lord and encouraged me to hope big. You ladies are fierce warrior princesses and I hope to be a little like each of you when I grow up.

I’m telling you the truth, women can be catty and mean, but women can also be the best. When we feel safe, secure, accepted and loved, we are such a force for good. Press into those things, my friends. Change your world. You are so loved, so treasured, right now, just as you are. Let your Creator tell you who you are and rest in the security of that. Fight for it.

Captivating!

Moving day finally came last week. We’ve been in the process of moving for the last several days and are nowhere near settled into the new house. There are just a lot of things still left to do. It’s liveable but messy.

Meanwhile, I left on a jetplane early this morning headed to Colorado for four days to attend the Captivating retreat.

#timing

If you aren’t familiar, it’s hosted by Stasi Eldredge, who wrote Captivating, Becoming Myself and other books. It was a monumental task to make our house semi-functional, prepare meals and clothes and do all the things mommies do before they leave town.

Packing was fun when I couldn’t find half of what I was looking for, but I finally managed to scrape together enough clothes to last me approximately two weeks, because options, people. Women need options. It might be hot, cold, warm; I might feel cute or want pure comfort or not give a rip at all. And that requires options.

I’m now sitting at the airport waiting until it’s time to board the shuttle. I’m debating whether to heed the advice to drink lots of water! considering I have a two hour drive ahead. High altitudes are complicated.

Aside from all that I am really looking forward to this weekend. I was nervous at one point when it occurred to me that I am going alone and there will be mealtimes and tables to sit at and oh my gosh this is just like junior high all over again who will I sit with?? But then this morning, apparently, I was hit with the chatty stick and have been chatting it up with random people all morning, so I think I’ll survive.

One of the main things Stasi Eldredge talks to women about is the core need to feel beautiful. When I first heard her say that years ago, I was like, nah…I don’t think I feel that. But it’s been revealed to me recently that it’s the deepest need of my heart. It’s not external beauty I’m after. It’s internal, and the question I find I ask people (subconsciously, of course) is, “Do you think I’m beautiful inside? Can you see the beauty in here, despite the ugly that isn’t fixed yet? Am I valuable?”

I don’t typically feel I’m answered with a resounding, “Yes!” The problem is that the primary person I need to hear it from is my heavenly Father, who made me to be this person that I am, quirks and all. And I actually can hear Him say that. The problem is that I sometimes can’t see Him around the people in my world. Which means someone else has been in God’s place. Which is basically idolatry.

So, the answer, of course, is to scoot those people and their opinions down off their pedestals and see to it that the Father’s voice is the one I listen to first. Nobody else has the right to tell me who I am or how I am, no matter who that person is. He knows me, sees me, loves me perfectly and is totally trustworthy with my heart.

So…off I go to spend some time with Him.

Dressed for a Destination

I’m dressed in a sweater and boots flying out of KC, where there is a high of 70 today. It’s hot. But I’m flying into Denver, where it’s about 35°, so I need to be prepared.

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It got me thinking…

It’s uncomfortable to dress for where you’re going instead of where you are, sometimes, but that’s the wise thing to do. In a similar way, followers of Jesus put on righteousness, wear it like a garment, in the midst of an unrighteous world, and it doesn’t feel like it fits. It can be uncomfortable, make us squirm, but it’s the only appropriate garment for where we’re going.

I’m dressed for another time and place and I’ll gladly feel the occasional discomfort for the reward of having been prepared for my destination.

Dry Idea and Religion

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Never let them see you sweat.

That’s the tag line for Dry Idea deodorant. It’s the perfect slogan for selling the product (because who wants pit stains?), but unfortunately, this is also the m.o. of the religious.

When I say religious, I am referring to the Pharisee types seen in the Bible (I really don’t like using the word, “religious,” by the way, but this is fast becoming its popular definition). They were the ones Jesus called whitewashed tombstones, full of dead men’s bones. He said this because they looked good on the outside and followed the rules, but inside were greedy, judgmental, authoritarian, power hungry and uncaring. They followed the letter of the Law, but not the spirit of it. Pharisees are still among us today. I think all of us can get into that mode at times.

At the heart of religion is the idolatry of externals. One way it manifests is that it requires us to ignore what’s going on inside of ourselves and others, so long as everything looks good on the outside. If you have questions, fears or doubts, you better keep it to yourself, or prepare to be shamed. If you struggle with an area of sin, or worse – get caught in sin – prepare to be judged. Or shunned.

This way of thinking keeps people in bondage because it keeps those thoughts and actions from ever being exposed to the light of day. Have you ever had a thought or idea that really sounded right until you said it out loud? I have. I can be so sure of my perspective and then after I say it, think, “Well, that was stupid.” There’s something that happens when secret thoughts are spoken.

But, something else happens when burdens are shared by friends. The load just feels lighter, but if we don’t give each other freedom to talk about what troubles us, the burden gets heavier and heavier. Perhaps fewer Christians would wind up entangled in sin if they felt free to talk about temptations before they gave in to them.

Deep down I think most of us want our true selves to be seen and known – and still loved. Redeemed people don’t really want to live as hypocrites. A life of integrity is so much more attractive.

Ultimately, God is the One who sees and knows us best. He is the One who can handle it all – the good, the bad and the ugly. He is the trustworthy One and the first One to which we should turn.

But how about we also give each other the freedom to make ourselves known now and then? Can we let people be honest?

Can we be honest? Can we let them see us sweat?

I think that’s where it begins – with ourselves.

New

It’s a season of new around here. Lord willing this time next week we will be homeowners. In Kansas. I never, ever thought I’d be a Kansan, but we just don’t ever know what this adventure we call, “Life,” holds, do we?

If everything goes as planned, we will close on this house next Monday.

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We are looking so forward to having a place that is our own, that can look like us and I CAN PARK IN THE GARAGE!!!!! Yay!! Many of the garages here just aren’t built for the Swagger Wagon and when it’s cold it’s no fun. #firstworldproblem I hear your tiny violins.

Also, there’s just an unsettled feeling that comes along with renting in a new place. It’s true for me, anyway. There’s a mental block to really getting comfortable and meeting neighbors when you think you’ll be moving soon. It shouldn’t be that way, but as an introverted sort of person, it’s a lot of work meeting new people. I think I’m getting better at it, though. I intend to know our neighbors by first and last name in this new little cul-de-sac we’ll be living in.

For now we’ve been busy packing, sorting and cleaning out while at the same time keeping the house in good enough condition to show it to potential renters. (By the way I apologize to anyone I haven’t responded to or communicated with over the last couple of weeks. My brain is in single-focus mode!) We really need someone to take over our lease, so it’s like having a house on the market for sale. It proves challenging when you’ve got boxes everywhere, but we’re grateful that the owners are willing to let us out of the lease when they find a renter.

There’s much more new going on in my heart, as well, that I hope to share when I get time. I had to take a break from blogging for a while for reasons I’ll share later, but I’ve been mentally blogging for months. I just want to get it right and say it well when I finally put it down for other people’s eyes.

Know what I mean? I know you do.

Just wanted to drop a quick update. Got to get back to packing, packing, packing.

A Place for You

Ever just feel out of place?

Yeah. I think we all do, at times. That’s why this passage of scripture from John 14 gripped my heart yesterday.

Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.

Remember that old song, “Victory In Jesus?” It says,

I‘ve heard about a mansion, he has built for me, in glory; and I’ve heard about the streets of gold, beyond the crystal sea…”

I remember singing that as a child and thought that was pretty cool. But, can I tell you, if Jesus was simply talking about going to build me a literal mansion, I’m not so excited. I mean, if He wants to give that to me, I’ll take it, (who am I to think I can determine my own reward?) but I find more and more that what I long for is something much different.

Something that feels like it’s made for me, that feels like home. Something welcoming, peaceful, comfortable and open for friendship. A place to belong, to love and be loved just because I’m me.

Don’t we all want that?

A mansion would be fun for the first, say, 10,000 years, but after that? The glamour would wear off. Mansions are the American Dream, the imagined pinnacle of success. The dream in God’s heart is much better and bigger.

No. I don’t think He is off building us a bunch of mansions. I think it’s so much more than that. His going is what prepares our place. That’s why He is the way. The actual act of His exit, by crucifixion, and His resurrection, prepared and completed our place with God. It was a massive three day construction project. Then, it was finished.

In God’s household there is room for all who will come. There is plenty of space for us there. That’s what Jesus said. Listen, we don’t need to jockey for position, or worry we will be left out, or stuck in a shack on the outskirts of heaven. There is room for all who will come to Jesus.

When I feel out of place here, I can know I have a place with Him. Maybe I feel out of place here precisely because my place is ultimately there. I don’t know. We taste and see in part while in these mortal bodies, but when we get there?

That’s where we will finally realize that we are fully known, understood and loved, while at the same time realizing it’s not about us at all. He was preparing a place for us so that we can be with Him where He is. That’s the desire of His heart – to be with you. Can you fathom that?

A place for you.

Beautiful.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11

In this moment

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IN THAT MOMENT

I was rejected
I was overlooked and not heard
I didn’t feel valued
I could not see
I didn’t understand
I was hopeless
I was lonely
I was angry
I missed out
I failed

IN THIS MOMENT

The sky is blue
I am blessed
All I have to do is breathe
I am His beloved
I am new
I am drowning in mercy
My feet are shod with peace
I walk in His favor and delight
I am fully known
I am learning from my mistakes
I am loved
It’s not about me at all

THAT moment is over.

Why would I miss the beauty of THIS moment because I’m looking back at THAT one?

Today I choose to be in the moment. THIS moment.

THIS moment is where grace is, where peace is and where joy is.

I think I’ll just sit in it for awhile.

Blueprints

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Here’s something I think I’m figuring out. God has kind of a blueprint for who we are supposed to be. We might be free to choose countertops and paint colors, metaphorically speaking, but the foundational bones of us are not up for discussion. We are to reflect Him in a particular way.

Sometimes other people mess up the plans, sometimes we go off the blueprint and just build however we think is right. We mean well. But, if we belong to Him, eventually He will take apart all that work we did on our own and rebuild us according to spec. Having glue and nails ripped off and out is painful, but it’s a beautiful thing. All those seams, nail holes and marks are grace-scars, not to be hidden, but rather, put on display.

We must allow the architect to have the final say. Nobody else has the authority. Not even us.

*Photo cred: dreamstime.com

Healing lies in the touch

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I find that God is good enough not to let me hide from feelings and issues I need to think about and let Him speak into. It can be so uncomfortable. I’m like a wounded child who covers her boo-boos, saying, “Don’t touch it! It’s gonna hurt!” but healing lies in the touch.

Yes, it hurts – sometimes a little, sometimes a lot – but the longer it festers the worse it is.

Sometimes it’s alone in the quiet and sometimes it’s with a friend. Usually it’s some of both. Either way wisdom is allowing Him access to hurts because He alone has the healing we need.

Sit still and let him bind you up. He doesn’t come to snuff out an already smoldering fire or to break one that is already bruised.

Isaiah 42:1-3 NIV

“Here is my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen one in whom I delight; I will put my Spirit on him, and he will bring justice to the nations. He will not shout or cry out, or raise his voice in the streets. A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice…”

We’re all messed up here…have a seat

Jesus once told a story about a man who decided to give a big dinner. He made out his guest list, presumably filled with friends and acquaintances, but they all made excuses about why they couldn’t come. One was newly married, one had just bought some oxen and another needed to go see about a new piece of property.

The people weren’t doing bad things, but they weren’t prioritizing the relationship. They figured it would be there later and they felt no sense of desperation.

Full people rarely do.

I don’t get the idea that this was just a casual cookout. I imagine it was more like a banquet. A rare occurrence that one might feel honored to attend. But nobody was moved at all.

Until this…

“…the head of the household became angry and said to his slave, ‘Go out at once into the streets and lanes of the city and bring in here the poor and crippled and blind and lame.’  And the slave said, ‘Master, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.’  And the master said to the slave, ‘Go out into the highways and along the hedges, and compel them to come in, so that my house may be filled.”  (Luke 14:21-23)

When the man invited the poor, the crippled, the rejects from the streets and in the outskirts of town, there was no hesitation. Invitations like that don’t come along, well…ever. When you’re empty and hungry and thirsty and lonely, you jump at the chance to enjoy the company of others around the table and have your deepest needs satisfied.
Especially when all the other guests are broken, too. No judgment, no stares, no insecurity about manners – or lack thereof – because every single person knows he or she is just blessed to be there.

I love this story, which reveals something about the heart of God: He came for broken people. He came for the sick, because those who are well have no need of a physician. The truth is that we are all sick, but some of us are so full, so busy and so good at being good that we don’t know it.

I struggle with a lot of “noise,” in my mind. There are questions, concerns, insecurities and other things that pop up at various times. There are issues in my world that seem like they will never be resolved. I often wonder what on earth it’s all about and when it will all go away. When will all the noise stop? I know I’m not alone.

Pondering this story I can see that there is a gift in it all. Truth be told I have come a long way, but where would I be if I wasn’t thirsty, hungry and a little jacked up? Would I be so full that I’d reject the invitation of a lifetime? I don’t know, but I trust that He is using it all.

As it is now, my hunger keeps me coming back for His word and my thirst ensures that I keep going to the well that never runs dry. I pull up to the table with the rest of His beautiful messes, knowing that one day we’ll just be beautiful.

For that I am thankful.